i know I’ll be fine, just not tonight

an ode for Arez pt.ii: the longing

it’s funny how I spend a whole month picking up the remaining pieces of the wall I’ve broken down for you after our last encounter. The wall that I gladly tore down only for you to leave it once you finished exploring every corner. A once secluded place, away from the dangers outside, and you made it a haunted place filled with your ghosts.

I swear I’m over you, or at least that’s what I’ve been told to my friend whenever they ask me how I feel, or maybe that’s just me trying to manipulate myself into thinking you were never meant a thing in my life. I swear I’ve tried everything I could do to ignore your shadows in every place I went to or every song that always brings my mind to you. I swear I did everything I could to erase your demon by exploring every new place near my home only to think this is something you would like to see and how you would go back and forth telling me to take a picture of you at some corner. And I guess they weren’t solid enough to become the walls to restrain myself from diving down into your abyss. Not when I had to wake up at 2 in the morning to untangle my feelings towards you and arranged them into coherent words for me to reconcile with myself for letting you go too far in my head. Things I shouldn’t do when I don’t even know who you are.

So tell me, why did i feel like there’s a lump in my chest when i see you make conversation with anyone but me if i truly do over you? Why am i still yearn for your existence near me when i perfectly aware you have nothing to do with me? Why am i still mourn for the fact that i won’t see you for the next 6 months due to your internship back in your hometown? Why did i feel like the next 6 months would change everything between us when there’s no us in the first place? So tell me, why did everything keeps coming back to you if I’m already over you?

The fact that you keep teasing me about the video that i made ABOUT YOU and keep it an inside joke between us is just… i dont know, weird? I guess. The joke that makes me feel like we finally acknowledge the situation between us and act as if it’s just a regular joke because theres nothing we can do about it. I can’t change your mind and you can’t change your feelings just like that. So many things we cant turn over so why am i still sitting at the same spot when i know you won’t come back to take me with you?

So many questions and scenarios swimming around the air and yet we decided to left it unsaid in a silence agreement. I thought you will be the last station and the train has arrived. But I have to keep moving as the shadows of you remains, remains, remains.